


daddy ( won't you just close your eyes )

by smartbuckley



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Judd Ryder - Freeform, Marjan Marwani - Freeform, Mateo Chavez - Freeform, Mentions of Cancer, Mentions of Parent/Child Co-Dependency, Mentions of Parent/Child Jealousy, Michelle Blake - Freeform, Overdose, Panic Attacks, Paul Strickland - Freeform, Suicide Attempt, TK's Mom, mentions of:, suicide idealation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:54:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22432963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Someone let's slip about Owen's cancer in front of TK, and TK doesn't take it too well, backsliding into pills. How long until his Dad finds him?
Relationships: Owen Strand & TK Strand
Comments: 16
Kudos: 201





	daddy ( won't you just close your eyes )

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea stuck in my head pretty much since episode one but didn't start writing it until episode two was finished, so I could make sure it wasn't going to end up canon divergence or something at the end of the episode. I wanted to get it out before episode three though, since it's been said episode three is a big episode for TK and well -- here we are. Please, please, please be careful and mindful of the tags, and if I've missed _any_ triggers, let me know immediately.
> 
> As for the Parent/Child Jealousy and Co-Dependency tags, those aren't super serious. Just TK feeling a little jealous that his Dad is talking to Judd, and then TK and Owen being pretty much best friends.
> 
> While Marjan, Paul, Mateo, Judd and Michelle don't play huge roles in this fic, they are each mentioned. It's my head canon that Marjan and TK are best friends, with Paul and Mateo coming in at a close second. 
> 
> Lastly - I highly suggest you please listen to Monsters by James Blunt for this fic up until the line _"That was good, right?"_ , and then switch over to To Believe (feat. Moses Sumney) by The Cinematic Orchestra for optimal reading.

The shift was almost done and over with as TK walked up towards the small group gathered in front of the firetruck, watching carefully as things were pulled out and moved to where their inventory was kept. There was a small conversation being held between Paul, Marjan and Mateo, and he didn’t pay it any mind at first, exhaustion settling deep into his bones as he tried to figure out if he was going to go home and sleep right away or grab something to eat first. He could feel the weight settling on his shoulders as the cadence of the conversation being held next to him caused a comfortable feeling inside of him. When he had first come to Texas, he hadn’t expected to fit in so well with everyone, hadn’t expected to make friends so easily, especially after all of the drama that had followed him emotionally but he had - he had found a second family with the others, and he found himself so thankful, because without them --

“TK--” he hears, his thoughts being interrupted as his eyes quickly slide over to Marjan, whose lips had curled upwards to form a small smirk at his ability to be incredibly distracted in the moment. TK wanted to roll his eyes at the female, instead settling for a quick nudge of their shoulders while he let out a small chuckle, looking around the station for his father and Judd before looking back at the three next to him. He wondered, briefly, where the other two were, feeling a slight pang as he tried to ignore the feeling of jealousy over his Dad having a friend in Judd - not because his Dad didn’t deserve friends, because he definitely did, but over the fact that it wasn’t TK, and he wasn’t included.

It was never an easy thought for the younger man, he knows, but he also knows his Dad loves him so he tries to focus on Marjan, arching his one eyebrow at her and ignoring the feelings swelling up within him that makes him crave a hit, like he’s a weak human who can’t withstand the pressure.

“What’s up, Marj?” He asks, trying not to let out another laugh at the way she expresses her distaste at his nickname for her, and instead, waits for her to respond back to him, frowning when he notices Judd and his Dad apparently arguing within his Dad’s office, about what though, TK has no idea.

“We were wondering if you wanted to head out to the bar with us tomorrow after catching up on some sleep.” Paul eventually answers, ignoring the way Marjan looks at him with a frown before letting out a small laugh while Mateo snorts and TK chuckles, shaking his head briefly. Before he can answer though, a loud bang is heard throughout the station, and everyone turns towards the main office, where Judd is storming out with a scowl on his face while TK’s Dad runs his fingers through his hair with a frown. Before he can even move forward and ask what’s going on, another firefighter from the next shift comes up through the hallway connecting his Dad’s office to the bunkroom with wide eyes, looking between Judd and his Dad as he makes his way towards the group.

“That was  _ insane _ , man,” he says, eyes still wide as he shakes his head and chuckles, fingers clenching around the broom that he had been holding while coming up, no doubt working on some of the chores they all have at the beginning of their shifts.

“What was going on?” Mateo questions, and TK looks towards him and then back at Eric, the other firefighter, with his eyes narrowed, having wondered that himself. He sees Eric shake his head once more, like he’s in complete disbelief, before he clears his throat and he can’t look at the other man, head turning back towards his Dad, curiosity piqued. 

“They were arguing? Couldn’t hear much, but I guess Judd had stormed off saying something about how Cap’s kid deserved to know he was dyin’ or something? And that the Cap’n shouldn’t put all of the emotions Cap was feelin’ from chemo on him,” Eric had said with a shrug of his shoulders and TK’s head snapped towards the other man with wide eyes, not sure he heard the other man correctly.

“What?” He ended up asking in surprise, his body instinctively moving a step forward like he’s about to lift Eric up and cuff him around the neck or something. 

“WHAT?” He finds himself asking once more, his heart pounding in his chest as he briefly notices his Dad coming out of his office with a frown on his face, Paul stepping forward to hold back his shirt and Marjan putting her hand on his shoulder, which he almost immediately attempts to dislodge with a shake of his head.

“What the  _ fuck _ do you mean, you heard Judd say he was dying?” TK ends up asking, his voice rising several octaves as Eric’s own eyes widen in surprise and he hears his Dad say his name, stepping forward. TK shakes his head, stepping back from Eric as his breathing becomes heavy, and his vision becomes dark.

He needs to get away - needs to run, the voice in the back of his head telling him he needs  _ more _ , an escape, something to help him forget, because he  _ does _ , because apparently --

His eyes fall on his father, whose own eyes are filled with guilt and TK  _ loathes _ everything in that one moment. He feels like he can barely breath, and his fingers feel like they’re being pricked continuously by needles and everything just feels  _ off _ and he takes a step backward, ignoring the way his Dad calls out to him, and everyone else turns towards him.

He needs to get out of here, and he looks at the clock briefly, noticing that five minutes have, very luckily, passed. Without a second glance at everyone crowding around him, TK turns and runs, ignoring the shout of his full name from his Dad, heart pounding in his chest as he tries to find a place to hide, to  _ breath _ , to escape.

* * *

He doesn’t know how much time passes from when he managed to run out of the fire station to when he found the dark and decrepit alley. He doesn’t know where he is in relation to his work, either. All TK does know, admittedly, is the small packet of pills he’s been clenching for at least fifteen to twenty blocks, having spent the rest of the money he had on him to get the packet and have something to hold on to.

He knew what he was risking by buying these. He knew he was risking his sobriety, and his father’s trust, and --

But his father had  _ lied _ to him. His father had found out he was dying, and had kept that from TK and the young man didn’t -- he couldn’t --

He couldn’t breath. He wanted to breath, god did he ever, but thinking about his father dying found his eyesight getting dark, and his heart pounding fast and heavy against his rib cage and his fingers clenching the baggie in his hands so tightly that he could feel his skin breaking where the nails were in his palm.

Taking a few minutes, TK eventually found the corner of the alley’s walls and carefully slid down them, legs splayed outwards in front of him as he tried to take a deep breath in, tried to not think about his Dad dying, his Dad not telling him, his Dad telling someone  _ else _ , someone he barely even fucking knew.

Letting out a broken sob, TK carefully lifted his hands out of his pockets, taking note of the blood but ignoring it as he opened them up, looking at the baggie and with shaking hands, opening it and dropping its contents into the opposite palm he was holding the contents in, blood splattering slightly on the curved ridges of his palm as the pills dropped down.

Eyes blurry, he could barely see the pills - had no clue what color they were, or what they were in general. Just knew that they were small, and he would need to take a few in order to forget everything.

Because that’s what he wanted.

He wanted to forget, and to escape, and not fucking remember his Dad was apparently dying, was going to leavev him alone, in a new place, and hadnt even bothered telling TK about it, either.

Another sob broke free, and then another as TK dropped his head down to rest against his chest, hand curling once more as he clenched the pills in his palm. He wanted his Dad. He wanted to go back in time and ask his Dad what the hell he was thinking - why didn’t his Dad tell him what was going on in his life and more important --

Was TK that selfish, that he didn’t realize there was something wrong with his Dad in the first place? Another sob broke free as he tried to think of moments in the past few weeks that would have shined a light on what his father was going through, what he was hiding and TK couldn’t help but wonder how he had missed something this fucking huge in the first place.

Briefly, he could hear feet pounding past the entrance of the alley, up ahead, but he ignored that as he rubbed his eyes, not surprised to find his sleeves coming away wet. He had been crying, and he had been crying hard, and it wasn’t a surprise with how lost TK felt as he opened his hand once more and stared at the baggie of pills, eyes void of any light and life.

He didn’t -- he didn’t want to live a life without his Dad. His Dad was all he had, all he  _ knew _ , ever since he was a kid and his Mom left, it was always him and his Dad. They were best friends, even after every suicide attempt and every overdose - TK never wanted to leave his Dad, never wanted to be alone and now --

Now, there was no chance. Now, he was going to be alone, and his Dad had known and hadn’t told him and oh god, he was sobbing once more. Without a second thought he brought his knees up to rest under his chin, arms curling around the front as he rested his head against them, trying to blink the tears away as they fell, hiccoughing every few minutes as the sobbing continued. 

What was he going to do without his Dad in his life, he thought, hands dropping the pills as he continued to briefly hear footsteps slapping against the ground up ahead. Shaking his head once more, TK wiped at his eyes again, another sob breaking free as he could hear the ringtone for his Dad come blasting out of his phone. 

How long had his phone even been ringing, he asks himself, fingers trembling as he reaches inside to decline the call, still too upset to even think about talking to anyone right now, no matter how much he wanted his Dad to be there with him, to hold him and just  _ explain _ what the hell he was thinking, not telling him what was going on, what was happening.

Taking a deep breath, TK slowly lifted his head up, letting it rest at an awkward angle against the wall as his eyes blinked slowly before he raised the hand holding the pills to his mouth and swallowed them, wishing he had water to do so but cringing through the pain of dry swallowing the tiny things, thankful that they weren’t big in that regards. 

As more time passed, and his phone continued to ring, TK slowly allowed himself to no longer feel anything, blinking sluggishly as the sky above darkened and opened up with rain. He knew he would need to move, to get somewhere dry unless he wanted to catch something, but at this point in time, the young man just didn’t care at that moment.

His Dad was dying, and he was going to be all alone. His Dad was dying, and hadn’t told him, but had told someone he barely knew. His Dad was dying, and leaving, and TK didn’t want to be alone, so maybe it was a good idea if he went first. Because his Dad -- his Dad could handle it, being alone. His Dad had been alone before, right - before TK was ever a blip - so that was -- that was --

That was good, right?

“TK!” He hears, but he ignores it, not sure if it’s even real as he closes his eyes, his hand falling to the ground in a puddle that had gathered around him. Yeah, he thinks, that was good.

Because his Dad could handle being alone, had been alone before. TK never could - never could handle being alone. He was always clingy, and needy, and needed his Dad there with him, even when he acted otherwise.

His Dad was his lifeline. Without his Dad, there was no TK.

And without TK - his Dad --

His Dad --- His entire body was shaking, and despite how cold he felt, he could feel someone’s hands on his cheeks, and his neck, yelling his name. A small groan escaped from his mouth, he thinks. He just wants to curl up and sleep forever. Just wants to forget.

“TK, son, please,” he hears, a sob breaking free, a voice wrecked at that sentence. He tries to pull his eyes open, but it’s like they’re glued shut, even when a new set of hands touch his cheeks and his neck, jolting him. 

“Da--” he slurs, before falling forward completely.

* * *

There’s a steady beeping noise as he slowly opens his eyes, a bright light shining through that makes him groan and hide into the pillow on his one side, lips downturned into a frown as he tries to remember the last thing that happened.

He feels freezing, but he can feel the weight of a blanket on him, can feel a hand in his own and fingers running through his hair. Can feel a leg against his cheek, and he wonders if he’s lying on top of his Dad like when he was a kid who had just had a nightmare and needed comforting. He wants to burrow into the warmth provided but before he can, the fingers in his hair stop and the hand holding his squeezes before disappearing.

The hand was a feminine one, he realizes, and the scent accompanying it tells TK it belonged to Marjan, but he doesn’t understand why she would be holding his hand or why she would disappear when he woke up, or even --

“Kid,” he hears and it’s his Dad’s voice - comfort, love, home, he remembers, but there’s something added there - bitterness, he realizes, and he doesn’t quite understand why there’s bitterness when he thinks about his Dad. He looks up at his Dad out of the corner of his eye, wondering, before it all comes rushing back and he jolts backwards in surprise, his Dad grabbing at his back to make sure he doesn’t fall, but he can’t --

He can’t breath, he can’t pull in any air, even as his Dad adjusts their position so that TK’s sitting between his legs, and his Dad is trying to coach him on following his breathing, just like he did when TK was younger and first experiencing panic attacks and the like.

“You’re  _ dying _ ,” he sobs, nearly shouts, trying to move away from his Dad, feeling the betrayal of the memory rushing back through him as his Dad tries his hardest to shush him and hold him all at the same time, no matter how hard TK pushes and punches his Dad’s chest, sobs breaking through once more before eventually, his Dad’s arms wrap around him, cradling him as TK cries into his Dad, hands clenching his Dad’s shirt as he lets his emotions break free completely.

“You’re going to leave me, just like Mom,” he whispers, tears staining his Dad’s shirt, his Dad freezing completely at the words before his hold tightens on TK and he shakes his head. He can feel his Dad kiss the top of his head and continue rocking the two of them, but TK -- 

“Kid, I need you to listen to me, alright?” His Dad asks and it takes a few moments for TK to nod, a small sniffle coming through as he burrows into his Dad and tries not to focus too much on the tears or the headache forming.

“I’m sorry - god, Tanner Keenan Strand, I am so sorry you had to find out the way you did. I was going to tell you, I  _ promise _ . I just - I wasn’t ready. I was terrified, and I petrified, and - I don’t want to lose you, kid. Shit, TK, you were just getting over your overdose and I didn’t want you to relapse, and --” His Dad breaks out, his own sob being heard as TK burrows more into his Dad, both at the mention of the relapse, the overdose, the cancer and his full name being used. It’s almost all too much for TK but he nods his head to tell his Dad he’s still listening, even as his Dad takes a deep breath.

“I was going to tell you, but I was terrified. And I  _ never _ , in a million years, thought you would find out through a coworker. You didn’t deserve that. You deserved me being an actual father and telling you, despite my fears,” his Dad adds on, taking another breath before his fingers go back to running through his hair, comforting the both of them before he continues.

“But I am  **not** going to be leaving you, kid. Not like your Mom, and not for a long ass time. I was diagnosed with lung cancer. Almost all of the first responders from nine eleven have been diagnosed with it, you know. But with me, they caught it early on that they’re able to give me treatments - experimental - and I’ll be able to live a long time. So I have no plans on leaving you kid, okay? I  _ promise _ you that,” his Dad whispers and TK can’t stop the sob that escapes from him as he nods once more.

“I can’t -- I can’t lose you Dad. You’re all I have, even here, and I can’t --” TK begins before his breathing becomes irregular once more and his Dad spends another uncertain amount of time trying to calm him down. When he finally feels calm enough, he looks at his Dad, biting his lower lip before looking away and rubbing his eyes, exhaustion settling through him.

“Why did you tell Judd and not me?” He asks after a few minutes, feeling as small as a child but --

“It was easier to tell someone I didn’t know, kiddo. I didn’t want to put everything on you, especially while you were trying to get better with your own issues - I see now, I probably should have told you, huh,” His Dad chuckled, eyes closing briefly before he kissed the top of TK’s head once more and let out a small exhale of breath. TK nods his head, hands unclenching his Dad’s shirt before he lets out another breath.

“What--” he begins, stopping to lick his lips and frown as he curls into his Dad’s side, truly feeling like a child before continuing, “What happens now?” He asks, worry coursing through him as he waits for his Dad to answer, eyes narrowing when he hears his Dad let out another sigh.

“Now -- now we go to my chemo together, so you know what’s going on. And now, you go to your therapy more, but we also make appointments together, because if the past twenty four hours have taught me anything, it’s that there’s a lot we need to work through together. I convince the board you’re not in the middle of an addiction, and you do everything to prove them right, because you’re my partner and kid and I need you out there, and I know you need to be out there yourself,” His Dad snorts, TK’s upper lip curling in understanding.

“What -- how did you find me?” He asks, not sure if he wants to know, especially when his Dad lets out another breath.

“After I called you a bunch of times and you never answered, I had your phone traced. By the time we got to where you were, the storm had started. Luckily, I brought Michelle and Marjan with me, and they -- they helped me bring you back,” His Dad whispers and TK can’t stop the full body flinch from occurring. He’s always hated the pain his overdoses and relapses have given his Dad - the sight of his kid dead in front of him no doubt not easy but TK -- 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, trying not to let out another burst of sobs as his Dad rubs his shoulder and shakes his head.

“It’s alright, kiddo. Just -- promise me to keep trying to be okay, alright? I can’t lose you the same way you can’t lose me, you know.” His Dad whispers and TK nods, eyes closing as the emotional exhaustion catches up with him. His Dad must know -- hell, his Dad always knows, he thinks, as he slips into a sleep, hearing his Dad tell him it’ll be alright, that’ll he’ll be there when TK wakes up.

And TK --

TK believes him. He trusts him, like always, and allows himself to fall asleep in his Dad’s arms, small puffs of breath escaping him, his Dad watching him carefully and thankfully, with each passing breath as he rubbed his chest at the pain over finding his son nearly dead in an alley in the middle of a god damn puddle.

“It’ll be alright, kiddo,” his Dad whispers, even though TK is far too deep into sleep at this point. “We’ll be alright,” he adds, kissing the top of his head before closing his own eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed the fic. Comments and concrit is love. Fic was not beta-edited. Come yell at me about TK and Buck on my tumblr, @ smartbuckley.


End file.
